Leaked U.S. Department of Education Memo Recommends Adding PASL Courses To Common Core Standards

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Sept. 17, 2014) - Following a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request by nonpartisan watchdog group Education Watch, a controversial memo from the U.S. Department of Education (DOE) has come to light, revealing draft recommendations for secondary curriculum that will be implemented across 44 U.S. states that have adopted the Common Core standards.

The memo penned by John Easton, DOE’s director of the Institute of Education Sciences -- along with an accompanying video -- says the forthcoming common core standards due out in January will include the addition of Pirate As A Second Language (PASL) as recommended core curricula as early as the 2015-16 school year.

When asked for a reaction, Education secretary Arne Duncan said, “Shiver me timbers?!”

Much to the shock of many parents and teachers, PASL has a data-drive foundation. Pirate and Pirate-related language use online has increased 32 percent year-over-year from 2012 to 2013, according to MIT’s director of social monitoring, Dr. Capt. Arnold Bootlick. Researchers also noted a remarkable increase in sales of Pirate-related apparel.

“If we don’t get to jamming the lads and lassie’s heads with the ‘ayes and the ‘arrghs, soon, they’re gonna be sloppin’ in the grog with the rest of the swill,” he said.

It is well known that the Pirate language has been a prominent and popular vernacular since the 1200s, when rum was invented by Captain Morgan. It came to mainstream prominence in the mid-1980s when America’s youth flocked to theaters thinking Cory Haim was the star of the Steven Spielberg film, “The Goonies.” The fallout after seeing Sean Astin instead was a resonating “Arrgh.” The lesson: Don’t tease when it comes to Cory Haim.

Since, the Pirate language has grown in popularity and is now the third most spoken language in rural America. Pirate language is also showing significant impact on abbreviation-driven chat and text communications. Socially acceptable terminology such as “LOL” (Laugh Out Loud) is now being replaced by “HAH” - the abbreviation for “Hoot And Holler.”

Immediate reaction from Congress was of disbelief. U.S. Senator Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) said he would wait and review the proposal from the Education Department, but doubted the memo had any merit noting, “While I appreciate the hijinks of Jack Sparrow and the chest of gold provided by the folks at Disney every six years, I just can’t get behind this.”

In response, Bootlick said, “Prepare to be boarded, Matey.”